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Shane Brown, classified advertising and columnist.

I should really stop watching cooking shows on TV. They put bad thoughts in my head — specifically, the thought that I can cook.

When the pandemic was in full swing, I reached a phase where if I didn't find a new hobby, I was gonna lose it. Somehow I settled on teaching myself how to cook.

I broke out some cookbooks. I bought an air fryer and an InstantPot. Now, while I'm far from a culinary genius, I can make a handful of meals. 

Have you seen the series on HBO Max where celebrity chefs teach recipes to pop icon Selena Gomez? One recipe in particular looked like something I might be able to pull off. The guest chef was Kwame Onwuachi, whom I'd rooted for on Top Chef. The meal they made looked fabulous. Onwuachi called it "Sunday supper" -- chicken and rice stewed with obe ata dindin, Nigeria's red mother sauce that you simmer all day long.

I can cook chicken. I can cook rice. I think I'm capable of simmering. This should be no problem, right? Labor Day was the first opportunity I had to spend a whole afternoon in the kitchen, so I thought I'd give it a shot.

My neighborhood grocery doesn't stock Scotch bonnet peppers, Jamaican curry powder, or whatever "Maggi cubes" are. Thankfully, the World Food Market in East Moline had everything I needed, except for the Pepto-Bismol once my Midwestern gastrointestinal tract got a load of this stuff.

1:30 p.m. I have diced tomatoes, onions and peppers. I carefully added the Scotch bonnet pepper and curry powder to the pot as if handling uranium. Then, in an attempt to ward myself of both vampires and any girl who might want to kiss me, 14 cloves of garlic. 

2 p.m. I'm pretty sure "Maggi cubes" are just bouillon, but I don't read Arabic and there isn't a bit of English on this packaging. I'm supposed to add eight of them — but I'd also like to make it to dessert without having a stroke, and I reckon that's a lot of salt. Weirder yet, I found a video where Chef Kwame makes the same dish with two cubes. In his videos, the Maggi cubes are square. When I opened mine, they were rectangular. Does this mean they're more potent? I have no idea how to tell, so I chuck three of them in and hope for the best.

2:30 p.m. The sauce has been simmering an hour, so let's taste. Wow, it's surprisingly delicious and not too spicy.

4 p.m. Another taste test. It's … the spiciest thing I've ever put into my mouth! We're talking face-flushed, run-for-the-milk, Scotch-bonnets-should-be-outlawed kinda heat. I'm worried Kwame lied when he said, "It's just the right amount of heat." The right amount to put you in a coma, maybe.

4:30 p.m. I sear chicken in a Dutch oven. Searing is the technical term for when you attempt to brown the chicken but instead burn all your arm hair off with oil splatters. Note to self: when this is over, find a less painful hobby.

5 p.m. Friends have arrived. The verdict is "it smells good." I worry they're smelling singed arm hair. 

5:30 p.m. I have added the sauce to both the chicken and the rice and we're in the stewing phase. My friends say they're hungry. I promise nothing.

5:45 p.m. Chef Kwame suggests deep-fried plantains as a side dish. I'm fresh out of arm hair, so I throw them into the air fryer.

6 p.m. Everything finishes cooking at the same time as if I know what I'm doing. Weirder yet, it all looks and tastes amazing. As promised, it's not too spicy (I must've had a pepper seed in that earlier taste test.) My friends are duly impressed. I am a culinary master. Also, I am never doing this again.

All told, it was a pretty satisfying meal -- and all I had to sacrifice was six hours of prep, two hours of clean-up and most of my arm hair.

Worth it. Now somebody come up with an InstantPot version so I don't have to work so hard next time.

Shane Brown writes for the Dispatch-Argus and Quad-City Times. Contact him at sbrown@qconline.com.

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My dad has one hobby that consumes much of his free time: Cannons.

Shane Brown, classified advertising and columnist.

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